Experiential Love

I wrote this poem after a particularly influential worship night on the Pinnacle mountain.
Who knows if the words are even mine... :)

I want you to experience what I experienced. So read it not just with your eyes, but with your spirit too. That's what it was made for. Enjoy.

Whoever wants it,
Take a blade of grass
From the tufts and rolling hills
Of your pasture, overgrown.

I’m feeling who you are
I’m breathing the very essence of you
Your love, astounding.
My heart is not ready for such a beautiful flame.
I can’t contain it, I’m not ready
The small piece of You floats into my nostrils
And the slightest upward glance
Delivers me into your surrounding embrace.

My body is a flame.

Even my mind has been obliterated
and now I can’t do anything but focus on Your presence in this room.
So thick I can barely see my own two feet
All around me, a host of freedom fighters
Urging me into it…come into the water.

I’d take a step in but my feet are glued down
Each breath, like cement seeping into my lungs.
I’m falling, I’m falling into your atmosphere
Upward, downward I really don’t care
It’s the “inward” that matters
When the outward tends to fail.

But fall into you I go
And I step into a piece of forgotten wonderland…

The troops are rejoicing
My feet pick up speed, and I’m flying now
Each particle of air seems to hit my face with a piercing sort of force
Everything is magnified.
Everything magnifies.
Did I tell You how much I love this?
I go from space to space but I never fall into this place.
Oh but I wish you would.
I would I could.

I’m floating now, silenced in your stillness.
Then He comes……

He comes.
He is here.
My heartbeat quickens, my back is against the wall
Everything moves faster and faster,
My head can’t keep up.
I love you, I want you, I want you not!
I want you now, but I can’t have you here.
I can’t feel any part of me anymore
I’m just a disconnected blob of energy, waiting to explode

But then explode, I do.

Everything outside me wants to come inside
And I’m not sure I’ve made room for You.
I’m so full of You
And I’m so thirsty for You still…

You take me into your heart
Your huge, boundless heart.
It’s an untold mystery
Where everything fits, and nothing melts away
You see each one
With a fire in your eyes.
Fierce love that burns every past sin away.

Your eyes are like deep crystal clear water pools
That never run out
Of Your love, so abounds.

I’m thinking about you,
I’m smelling you,
I’m tasting the sweet parts of you.
You’re a banquet of perfect love,
One that casts out all fear before You.

I’m getting so full
I don’t know if I’ll stay here
I’d love to, I can’t.
So delightful, so terrifying…

Farewell perfect, experiential love.

You’ve once again transformed me in every way,
Touched the deepest, darkest, prickly parts of me
Formed a beautiful, fragrant, bed of flowers for me.
And watched me with awe of what You have created.
How you could look at me with those eyes of fire,
I’m not really sure.
But I’m glad that You did.

And You’ll do it again…

And again.
And again.

Message To My Soul...

I’m not going to tell you to stop feeling, stop wanting
But I can’t just let it get out of hand…

You’re pulling me down, you’re casting me out.
Like a worm to the raging sea,
You release me to the winds, you fisher of men.
I can’t keep my head above water.

And you’re not helping me.

You’re a problem getter, a problem solver
Never know who to keep close and who to keep away.

To tell the truth, it’s been hard enough just to find the balance
It’s too delicate to touch
So I can’t do anything at all.
I’m a helpless wilting flower
Reaching for a promise.
Full of needs unmet.

But I’m not gone yet, oh I’m not gone just yet…

So I’m writing to you now,
For some grasp on peace or a life fully lived
But I know it’s a cause that’s somewhat worthless
Because you’re you and I’m me
A cold and hardened wall.

One I’m tearing down,
But it’ll take me a while still.
So don’t take me down with you…
Don’t frame my trust.
Or shout out all my secrets
On the way down, crumbly ancient wall.

Don’t waste the beautiful to eliminate the ugly.
Just let yourself breathe and God’ll know what to do.
Settle all your quelling waves
And receive His peace on your swelling, smoldering towns.

If you were a village and I were the earth,
You’d be an uprising in a kingdom
That never gave you position in it’s fully balanced universe.

So stop pushing, stop pulling..
Just give me time.

Give me rest.

Perfection By Definition

love

it flows from our hearts

lies dormant till its' time

its' call.

its' season.

then released into the atmosphere

through your more than willing, waiting, soul

it swirls around with unusual grace

but stable in some magical, romantical way

a three way tide

shared between The Father, you, and another lucky somebody

it stretches and bends with generosity

all encompassing.

all consuming.

everlasting in perfection and righteousness.

never will it tire, never will it die.

Winds of Change

It is strange to think I've been away for so long
But when I walk outside it feels as though I never left it
The earth speaks to me like it always did before
Strange familiarity and sweet rememberance

As I walk and look and pray,
I can't help but feel the difference in the spirit
Like my time here is up, I've run out of things to connect to
I remember it as it once was, but it is slightly different now...

The distance, the same
The smell
The colors
The real world feeling...it never lost its' meaning to me.

But somehow, the land has finished with me.
It doesn't need me anymore, doesn't call anymore.
I no longer feel that magnetic pull inward and outward
It's more of a dull memory.

But those sweet, tempting memories go way back in time;
Pulling on my heart strings until they feel ready to burst
I can't keep doing this to myself,
This remembering.

It hurts and it burns...the vague sense of overall peace that once was,
It is no more.

I will always love you, but for you I am mere vapor
Blown away swiftly in the winds of change..

And swift, it was.

Heavenly Architecture

"...The sufferings of this present timeare not worthy to be compared
with the glory that is to be revealed to us."
-Romans 8:18
from Brin at My Messy Thrilling Life today

My life is like a rollercoaster and I've said it before...it twists and it turns, and I don't know where I'm going until I get there. That's what it has been like ever since I moved from my hometown in Kennewick, Washington to the dry, hot Phoenix, Arizona. I hated it when I got here but I think God had a reason for it all...a divine design that was hidden from my eyes until His perfect timing determined that "it's time." Now I know.

Man, I'm looking back at my posts from when I first moved here and it's crazy how much I've changed. It is so humbling to re-read my grumbles and whines about coming here and then see how God has routed my life so perfectly for the near future. I would never be where I am at this moment...right now...if it weren't for this move. I'm sure of it.


All that to say...I am just having some of the BEST days of my life right now. My choices finally feel concurrent with His timing and it feels inexplicably perfect. My sister is home for a month (woohoo!), I put in my letter of resignation at work (which was a little bittersweet), I get to take a trip to Washington and visit all my good friends next week, and I get to start planning for my new life in New London...I couldn't be happier.

God works everything in His plan for the good of those who love Him.

...He really does...

I'm finishing up down here in Phoenix and I'll be off to New Hampshire towards the beginning of September!! That's a month :) Ah! I'm crazy excited.




"The light is breaking, the surface cracking...all the good is leaking through."

Tingling Feeling

I get this weird tingling feeling in my heart before I write. It's like a little sign telling me I'm supposed to write something down. Is that random?? Sometimes it feels like I can't hold in all the emotions welling up inside of me; sometimes it feels like I might cry. It is such a good feeling when I finally write it all down, like I'm releasing all the pressure. Like it is just overflowing onto the computer screen.

I feel so relieved after writing that I've learned to recognize that tingling feeling. Sometimes I think it is a spiritual experience from God...a little warning telling me to get to a keyboard fast to jot it all down!!

I wish I could actually describe it to you, but it's so random I just don't even know how.



Overflowing...

Powerful...

Desperate...



Then relief.

Weird? Maybe. But I don't care...I think it's a "God thing" and I'm willing to be weird for Him :)

"Pondering and Thoughts"

They meld and they sway
In a peculiar way.
Like reeds of a field
Standing perfect and straight
But the wind comes, it blows...
And it tears them all down.

But they always recover,
They pop up again
But this time with others that shook through the very same storm.

A mind overloaded
With too many things,
All vying for spots
In coveted attention.

But only one will gain access
To the most inner of courts;
Only one will be summoned...
In through the doors.

When we choose that one thing;
Creative idea, choice, or words,
We're forever exposed to the math ever forward.

It leaves dents and ripples
That can never be turned
Around or inside out.
They're forever ingrained.

We are forced to make room
For its ancestors too...
A never ending sequel
To what never was learned.

We let it go, but to where will it run?
One way in, no way out.

Be careful of what it is that you choose...
For it will grow inside
With no permission from you.

Simple Truth

Where is simplicity?

Where did truth come from, and can we chase it?

Will it disappear?

Will it run far away?

Will it keep us at a distance like we wish it sometimes would?

Or will it beckon us with love...

Will it chase us back...

Will it surprise us with simplicity...

Yes, yes, and yes.

Truth always knows our hearts, doesn't it?

...well the truth is, sometimes I just wish life were simpler...

A Magical Land

She goes there every once in a while
When things get too tough
Or she faces a trial

Twas a place full of comfort
A room, no - a land
A whole town was for her
It was all in His plan

Her eyes were alive
Every sense was awakened
Never did it back then but
This habit turned to trend

She created that land,
With sugarplum fairies
Reflective like mom's eyes
They danced and were merry

The clouds looked so heavy
With snow falling down
All around that sleepy goodnight little town

"He's coming!" she said.
With a shiver and smile
"he's coming...." with the excitement of only a child.

Her comfort was found in that sleepy little town
The rain in the night
And the stars all around
Where no one could hear her
And silence was found,
Where there were no boundaries
But wood fences abound.

Like a book on her shelf
That rickety old thing
She blows dust off the pages
And magic comes round

The night was so young
But was getting too late
To be sitting out there
Out there on that gate

But she liked to just wait
To feel stillness, oh fate
Sarcastic cold winters
With the slap in the face

She's sitting and waiting
For her love to be found
Sitting up there
To be rescued and crowned

A queen of her beautiful mystery land
A land she created, a land that will stand.
Time cannot free love,

But it won't be secured;
She will follow with songs
And she'll sing you the words.

She's safe in a world where things never go wrong
A place in her heart, a place she belongs...

She goes there sometimes
Where it's safe and it's cozy
It's a calm winter wind
And her hair simply blows free.

My Heart Runs Freely

the cold winter mornings
of crisp contentment
plays on my heart strings
like a jack frost tenant
the floor that you like
is topped with dew on its surface
its face grows dimension
when he's drinking in earnest
my feet long for love
can be found with a chill
the ground mixed with water
till the grass has its fill

i long for the day when mountains will greet me
the flowers look lively and the colors collide
each one with another till it marks a discovery
the sun rises over the peaks, so bright
i run to the tippy of tops to take flight
i can sing with the air
that rushes into my lungs
i take a deep deep breath
till i can't get enough
my eyes are so full of light love and color
that my ears take a moment to hear and discover
a world unseen by patterns and consequence
only love can endure here

here in this light fest...

running is nothing when your legs break free
from the chains of normalcy
the mountain air is so crisp and full of life
no words can describe
the life he has created
no tongue can explain the sheer beauty and kind
oh rocks hear my cry
oh rivers, my mind!
when you run into nature
it greets you with creativity
come into my gardens and inhale of the lilies
there is so much to do and to see!
cracks and caves to discover
waves of water to dance in

can you feel the light?
don't tell me you don't, i'll just tell you to try
try harder and harder
it won't be missed. you'll see it one day
you'll feel those fragrant lilies and laugh on the sunbeams
you'll cry like the waterfalls that won't be held back
it's like pressure that refuses to be stopped by a boulder..

i wish so hard that sometimes my heart crumbles
my eyes fill with tears, so hot and unsure
so unsteady and overflowing
the lightness of love just pushes them over

just try and compare it, you can't
just believe it.

Seize The Day

I guess it's Poetry Week here at Saving Grace, I just can't stop writing! Hope you don't get too bored :) I had this weird creative bit that lasted about 24 hours the other day, so I just typed up a bunch of random stuff and saved them as drafts. I thought I might as well share them!!

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I will become in the future; what I'll be doing, where i'll be living. It's all such a jumbled up mess, that the best way I process is through poetry. Sitting at the piano bench, frantically scribbling down chords and melodies - things like that. Creativity must stem from hardship, because I've never written so much poetry and music in my lifetime!!

This is my heart:

I want to go to Ireland, I want to be a singer than influences people all around the world with the music I play, I want to be an artist that travels to unknown lands to put on canvas or paper the things that no one else has seen. I want to be someone who is worthy of the term 'influential'. I want to run and skip and adventure through wild countries and mountains, in search of who knows what. I want to build a house just how I'd like it, with prophetic artwork and furniture and rooms that actually mean something. I want to live upstairs from a cute little bakery and cafe in a small Italian town where all the 'regulars' come to visit at 8:00am...Newspapers, reading glasses, and old familiar faces. I want everything that happens from now until I die to mean something. This is bigger than what will I do this summer...it's bigger than the immediate, but definitely not limited to the long-term. I don't know what I'm talking about. I guess I just want to matter. I want God to look down on me with pride and affection, I want Him to be able to say "well done my good and faithful servant". It's all about making a difference.

Most people don't hit this point in their lives until mid-life, or whenever they decide that everything they've ever done is 'meaningless' (from Ecclesiastes). I am ahead of the curve, I'm already dissatisfied with the petty, the normal, the steady homemaker lifestyle. I want something more!! I was created for more...wasn't I?



"I can't feel anymore...

All of the stuff I used to know,
Things that used to be important.
They all fall away

They don't want to be a part of me anymore.
That's okay, I understand.
I wouldn't want to be inside of me right now either.

I have no life, no one to hold
Not a single friend to call my own.
I wish I could stay in comfy-land forever.
But that wouldn't be wise, considering the weather.

He told me it would get rough,
He said it'd be hard...
But sometimes I'd rather face the weather
Than see what I've become through my heart's broken shards."



I think this one will eventually be put to music...



"Roaming, Roaming
Carefully searching
For someone who cares
But he's not even there.

Ranting, Raving
Political exclaiming
It all seems so petty
Wouldn't you rather get ready?

Be careful, He said
For the winds, they'll keep changing.
You must be on the lookout or
Life won't keep waiting.

Take it! Run.
Run so fast, you can fly
If winds will not take you
Then try till you die.

If love is a fast song
Than play it a new way
Forge a new path...
By force, seize the new day."


Now go share a cup of coffee with a good friend, and laugh about things that have happened in your week...Get happy! Enjoy what life has for you and never forget to 'run with the wind'. (No Pocahontas reference intended)

:)

The Only

Tears of loneliness swept over me,
I cannot forget the one I once cared for.
My heart shouts from the tallest cliff:
"Show me!"

My crying out seems not to be heard,
I cannot find another word.

Show me the path that leads to great mercy.
Be near to me now,
For not even words can explain.

You are the only one who knows my heart,
My lovely, my only...my One True Love.

Cramming words into music simply will not do,
My feelings of joy, love, and fear
Are going too fast
For words to explain, or a love to attain.
Instead, I give up.
"I can't"

"I won't ever," "I shouldn't," or "please forgive me"
Show no meaning of my heart.
Because words are just words,
And when lonely becomes lonely
It's just a kind way to say
"I'm not worthy."

Circles and mirrors both show you the endless...
For a circle is only one line sewn together,
A mirror is a reflection of the life you let wither.
Faint is the heart of a cord with one strand,
But strong for a while if combined to no end.

I can't, I can't, I will not.

-Jourdan Meyers, 'The Only'