Message To My Soul...

I’m not going to tell you to stop feeling, stop wanting
But I can’t just let it get out of hand…

You’re pulling me down, you’re casting me out.
Like a worm to the raging sea,
You release me to the winds, you fisher of men.
I can’t keep my head above water.

And you’re not helping me.

You’re a problem getter, a problem solver
Never know who to keep close and who to keep away.

To tell the truth, it’s been hard enough just to find the balance
It’s too delicate to touch
So I can’t do anything at all.
I’m a helpless wilting flower
Reaching for a promise.
Full of needs unmet.

But I’m not gone yet, oh I’m not gone just yet…

So I’m writing to you now,
For some grasp on peace or a life fully lived
But I know it’s a cause that’s somewhat worthless
Because you’re you and I’m me
A cold and hardened wall.

One I’m tearing down,
But it’ll take me a while still.
So don’t take me down with you…
Don’t frame my trust.
Or shout out all my secrets
On the way down, crumbly ancient wall.

Don’t waste the beautiful to eliminate the ugly.
Just let yourself breathe and God’ll know what to do.
Settle all your quelling waves
And receive His peace on your swelling, smoldering towns.

If you were a village and I were the earth,
You’d be an uprising in a kingdom
That never gave you position in it’s fully balanced universe.

So stop pushing, stop pulling..
Just give me time.

Give me rest.

The Humorous Truth

A few of my bloggy friends were doing this little survey, so as the dedicated blogger that I am, I decided to jump on the bandwagon! These are just funny little tidbits about me and my values...hopefully your opinion of me doesn't change too much after reading this :)


1. What time did you get up this morning?
6:30 am...Last day of work though!! One...last...day....... :)


2. How do you like your steak? Well done. I don't want to see what it looked like when it was still alive, so please...kill it. Kill it good. I would greatly appreciate it if the cow that I'm eating didn't just walk right off of my plate and back into the pasture that it came from.


3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Post Grad yesterday with my sister (who is in town for a bit) with Alexis Bledel and the beeeeautiful Zach Gilford. It was cute. Wait, he was cute. Wait, the whole movie was cute!!


4. What is your favorite TV show?
Umm, hellooooo! Gilmore Girls! In case you haven't noticed, the women in my family are all pretty much honorary members of the Gilmore family...oh yeah, that and the fact that random strangers on the street will come up to me and tell me I look uncannilly (is that a word?) like Rory Gilmore.


5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Ireland, hands down. I've never been, but always wanted to. It is so beautiful there (I've heard) and I wanted to do a study abroad program in Cork for a while, but it didn't really work out. Now I'm going to New Hampshire!!!


6. What did you have for breakfast? Half of an un-fizzy dr. pepper. Yeah. I'm classy like that.


7. What is your favorite cuisine? It's a verrry close tie between Italian and Mexican. But I'm gonna have to go with my heritage here and say Italian.


8. What foods do you dislike? Anchovies, clams, oysters, dirt, cd's, drywall, candle wax, leather...you know.


9. Favorite Place to Eat? An understated, character-filled restaurant with food that tastes like the cook actually cares about what they put on the table. Mmm, those are the good ones.


10. Favorite dressing? The kind that makes an 80 calorie salad into a 350 calorie salad. What can I say, calories taste good!


11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? A green Toyota Camry...I call him 'Camo'. Let's just say we had a run in with a lightpost that left him dented and camo-taped for a few years. The name just stuck.


12. What are your favorite clothes? Layered winter clothing is de best!! I hate summer clothes because they seem just so...unimaginative, you know??


13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Ireland.



14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Half full! But who's measuring??



15. Where would you want to retire?
In the mountains somewhere...a peaceful log cabiney cottage with lots and lots of fireplaces, decks, and lookout spots. And maybe a body of water somewhere nearby with fishes in it. And a great kitchen to house all sorts of lovely old people parties.



16. Favorite time of day? I don't have a specific favorite time of day. I do have a favorite time of year though, Christmastime.


17. Where were you born? Upstate New York.



18. What is your favorite sport to watch? IIIIIII hate watching sports so much, I'd rather go iceskating in bare feet for 3 hours.



19. Bird watcher? Never tried!



20. Are you a morning person or a night person? Sometimes I'm both.



21. Do you have any pets? Not me specifically, but my family has two Maltese dogs. One puppy, one 2 year old. Gabe and Gunner.



22. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I'm frickin tired today??



23. What did you want to be when you were little? An astronaut because every other little girl I knew wanted to be a ballerina and I just had to be different from everybody else :) Well look where that got me? Now I'm a ballet teacher. Karma.



24. What is your best childhood memory? Eating noodles on the kitchen floor with my sister.



25. Are you a cat or dog person? Dog person all the way. But I don't really like animals in general lol



26. Are you married? ha. no.



27. Always wear your seat belt? Of course!



28. Been in a car accident? I don't think so.


29. Any pet peeves? Show off's, I'd say.


30. Favorite Pizza Topping? Hawaiian.


31. Favorite Flower? I like every flower God created!



32. Favorite ice cream? I like vanilla with Hersheys hot fudge and sprinkles on top!



33. Favorite fast food restaurant? DQ Grill and Chill :) It's got the sweet and the salty!!!



34. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Only once, people, only once.



35. From whom did you get your last email? Bank of America...



36. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Buckle.



37. Do anything spontaneous lately? How about my whole life??? Can I just put that?



38. Like your job? You mean the job I don't have?? Haha, today was my last day of work before moving to New Hampshire...



39. Broccoli? Yeah, for sure!



40. What was your favorite vacation? Oregon coast with the whole family. Ughhhh I yearn to go back!



41. Last person you went out to dinner with? The fam!



42. What are you listening to right now? Kim Walker



43. What is your favorite color? Purple.



44. How many tattoos do you have? None, but I imagine I'm soon to have a few!



45. Coffee Drinker? Only with my oxygen!


What time did you finish this quiz? 1:58 pm

Inspiration

Write and be happy, I always say... Don't write and, well, spend the rest of your days in a hellhole properly titled, "uninspired."

-Me

Saving Grace Turns 50!!

Or - well - Saving Grace turns a few months old while her posts turn 50...or whatever :)

Now this usually wouldn't come as such of a shock to most of you, but 50 whole blog posts is a pretty big deal to me.

I'm kind of a "starter-not-a-finisher" kind of gal, so I'm quite proud of myself for finishing fifty posts! I'd have drafts and drafts of random thoughts and tidbits without publishing a single one without my undying determination and love towards you, oh great blogosphere...

I can't believe I even got this far without quitting...honestly, i sort of expected myself to do a re-run of my last blog attempt "The Father's Heart" which lasted a few months before I got sick of thinking up interesting ideas for people to read about.

This time around has gone much better, i think :)

Maybe it's because I've matured just oh so much since the last time I tried blogging...at least I like to think of it that way...

So here's to you! Thanks for making my blogging worthwhile, even if you don't leave any comments or what have you...I know you're out there, and that means something. To all you fellow readers of my life, I salute you. Here's to another fifty, or five hundred, interesting blog posts that await.

XOXO
Jourdan

ps. I have a few good signs concerning Streams School of Ministry, but I will wait to tell you about the official outcome when it's...you know...official. Thanks for the prayers - keep 'em coming!!

The Truth About Writing

I'm not gonna lie to you, I've been ultimately burnt out on writing lately. I've had boring essays, long assignments, bull-sh** discussion posts, and work emails to write...and honestly, I don't think I can stand it much longer. Summer classes will do that to ya.

I'm burnt OUT.

So I'm sorry if it has seemed that I don't care about blogging anymore...I do. But I've been deceived to think that writing is always boring, no matter how you look at it. I've been blinded by the darkness of online school LIES!

I will try to be a better blogger, I promise.

But hold on for a few more days (*ahem, or weeks) while I finish my online classes and rip off that tattered black blindfold of lies to see the truth, if only for a few measly seconds...that writing is not boring, it only gets tedious when you don't like what you're writing about.

Right? Right.

:)

Human Drano

I find myself at a crossroads...





Do I stay, or do I go? Do I get the scholastic diploma and muscle my way through 8 more weeks of school, or do I just settle for the general diploma and get done on the 30th? Do I go into Accounting, or Music? That's not even the half of what I have to decide on right now!! I have so many questions and choices, but I can't seem to find the answers inside of me. I'm a big blocked tube. Nothing can get in, nothing can get out. I've had too much stuff to worry about and not enough stuff I can let go of. I'm emotionally constipated. lol

I'm overstimulated,

Overstressed,

And - overtired.

I almost cried today just because I couldn't find a Word document on my computer...yeah, that's pretty tired. I keep telling myself "I just need a vacation, I just need a vacation..." but will I ever take one?? And will that actually help? Long-term?

I don't know how to fix these clogged pipes. I think I need a plumber.

Maybe there's some kind of human Drano I can chug to clear my system out once and for all.

Hmmph.

Now wouldn't that be nice?

Tingling Feeling

I get this weird tingling feeling in my heart before I write. It's like a little sign telling me I'm supposed to write something down. Is that random?? Sometimes it feels like I can't hold in all the emotions welling up inside of me; sometimes it feels like I might cry. It is such a good feeling when I finally write it all down, like I'm releasing all the pressure. Like it is just overflowing onto the computer screen.

I feel so relieved after writing that I've learned to recognize that tingling feeling. Sometimes I think it is a spiritual experience from God...a little warning telling me to get to a keyboard fast to jot it all down!!

I wish I could actually describe it to you, but it's so random I just don't even know how.



Overflowing...

Powerful...

Desperate...



Then relief.

Weird? Maybe. But I don't care...I think it's a "God thing" and I'm willing to be weird for Him :)

"Pondering and Thoughts"

They meld and they sway
In a peculiar way.
Like reeds of a field
Standing perfect and straight
But the wind comes, it blows...
And it tears them all down.

But they always recover,
They pop up again
But this time with others that shook through the very same storm.

A mind overloaded
With too many things,
All vying for spots
In coveted attention.

But only one will gain access
To the most inner of courts;
Only one will be summoned...
In through the doors.

When we choose that one thing;
Creative idea, choice, or words,
We're forever exposed to the math ever forward.

It leaves dents and ripples
That can never be turned
Around or inside out.
They're forever ingrained.

We are forced to make room
For its ancestors too...
A never ending sequel
To what never was learned.

We let it go, but to where will it run?
One way in, no way out.

Be careful of what it is that you choose...
For it will grow inside
With no permission from you.

My Coaster Life

Like those fateful words of Cameron Diaz, life is like a rollercoaster..."it goes UP, and back down...then it goes UP, and back down. See? See? Upppp, and back dowwwwn."



I love riding the rollercoaster of life - the thrill is amazing, but right now I just want to get off the ride for a while. You can only ride the coasters so long before the mellow dumbo ride and cotton candy calls your name. It doesn't take long either - two or three coaster rides, and I'm ready for the bench. Gimme a bench...anywhere!

And so, here I am, still stuck on this coaster with my fingers fearfully gripping the rubber handle in front of me - I can't see a thing. We're going too fast... I can't even see where I'm going! Is that a turn coming up?? Wait, it's another drop...AAAHHH! I'm wee-ing and laughing and crying all at the same time.

My life has been so crazy and I apologize for not posting about it sooner. I've just been unbelievably busy. Busy, and stressed out for the most part. Just when life seems to give me a break, something else comes up and steals my attention from the tv screen. I just want to watch 5 MINUTES! Five measely minutes of my show!

But no, ol' life has its' way with me and here I am again on this rollercoaster ride. I'm locked in.

Will it ever stop?

Opposite Day

My "Well I've Never" post turned out really great...I love writing random hilarious facts that entertain people. So I've decided to do another one, but this time it will be a wee bit different :) I did a list with a few of these on it a while ago for my facebook, but I've added some new ones.

I'd like to call it,

"Random Facts & Hilariosity About Jourdan"

Enjoy!



i love fruit but hate the thought of eating it.

i am a hopeless romantic but won't admit it to myself.

i hate defining people but always wonder how i would be defined.

i love running outside when it's cold, especially if it's on a mountain.

i can't eat french toast or milk without wanting to wretch.

i want kids someday but at the same time i really really don't.

i don't really like summer because i think it's unimaginative. Winter brings out the creativity of nature.

i feel like people look at me weird when i'm walking in public...i might just be paranoid :)

i want to live in Ireland for a while.

country/indie music keeps me alive..

i have a lipgloss addiction

but i hate girls who use it too often.

i love to play the piano, but rarely make time to do so.

i love to cook dinner for people - seriously, i love it. I love to watch their reaction to the food; I love to please others with my culinary creativity lol

i love a good hoedown...linedancing is grrreat. RODEO is a thrill : ) you take me to a rodeo, i'm yours.

my family makes me laugh all the time and i love them more than anything.

i drive too fast but i've never been pulled over. i'm a speed junkie. i love driving in the snow because it makes things interesting.

i get bored pretty easily.

i love a good musician. they fascinate me.

by the way, if you can play the guitar i already love you.

i can't sleep without a fan on.

i can't sleep without brushing, flossing, washing my face, and putting on lotion. Seriously, I honestly can't. I've tried. Doesn't matter how tired I am, my conscience gets the best of me.

i can watch Pride and Prejudice (the new one), Fired Up, You've Got Mail, The X-Men Trilogy, The Wedding Date, The Lion King, A Walk to Remember, and Tristan and Isolde over and over again without getting sick of them...and I have!

i can't not dance when i hear a really loud rap song.

i love salsa dancing - and am pretty dang good at it, if i don't say so myself.

i have been a blonde, a redhead, a brunette, all in one year. now i have black hair.

i loooove fruit leather.

i feel like i use ellipses a lot but i can't help it!!

i love taking pictures of people and making them look cool afterwards.

firepits are my late night weakness. i get all giddy when there's a campfire at night. I love the smell of campfire on my clothes - or on someone else's :)

i love hot chocolate more than water.

i will do almost anything if it's dangerous and a thrill.

i am conflicted on whether i want to live in the city or the country. the pro con list is surprisingly equal for each.

sometimes i wish i was more complex but i know i am already so complicated it irritates people.

i love seeing god's heart poured out on people, and i love being used in this way.

i think prophetic song is healing to human hearts. i DO believe god still speaks today.

i am really stubborn when it comes to what i think is right, and sometimes it can be a bad thing.

i love to look at expensive houses and imagine living there : )

i want to make everywhere i go a different atmosphere...a good one.

cotton candy is delicious and i can eat more of it than your dog.

wit is a winner.

i tend to overdo things. if i like something, i do it too much. if i like a song, i can listen to it on repeat for hours.

if i can imagine doing something cool, i usually end up doing it in one way or another. basically, if i want something i get it.

i feel hotter in a good'ol pair of holey jeans then i do wearing a million dollar gown, but i'm not a tomboy by far...

i love tattoos and piercings, and plan to get more of each in my lifetime.

i never know what to do with my hair in the morning, especially for fancy occasions (those are a nightmare for me).

i like garlic more than the average person, and i use it alot.

i HATE heated theology conversations. don't talk to me about what you think church should look like, i'll kick you in the shins.

im a classic all-or-nothing kind of girl. i won't settle for anything but the real thing.

Well I've Never

(Idea stolen from Nanny Goats in Panties)

I love making lists, and this one seemed to have some potential comedy to it...so here you go - a list of things I've never done:

*I've never eaten my own boogers...or anyone else's for that matter. No, not even when I was six :)

*I've never gotten a massage...or a pedicure. Bummer, right??

*I've never had the desire to go to Asia. Or Mexico.

*I've never eaten caviar, but I've tried goat (from Africa), bush rat (also from Africa), and calamari.

*I've never been able to watch the movie 'Fired Up' without laughing so hard, I cry.

*I've never been skydiving, but went bungee jumping over the Nile in Africa. I hope I get to do it sometime!

*I've never read a whole book in one day...Twilight took me two :)

*I've never written an "I've never list"

*I've never wanted to write an "I've never list"

*I've never been jealous of PC people.

*I've never seen Titanic.

*I've never gotten my hair professionally colored, but I've had pretty much every haircolor imaginable...red, brown, blond, black...actually I got a little smidgen of pink put in professionally, but that doesn't count.

*I've never wanted to go to Washington DC or the grand canyon...yawn.

*I've never been technically asked out on a date.

*I've never had white zinfandel...and don't plan to :)

*I've never been on a diet of any kind.

*I've never felt like I wasn't good enough...thanks mom and dad. Yeah, that one's a tear jerker :)

*I've never met a celebrity, or just randomly seen one on the streets.

*I've never finished a knitting project.

*I've never successfully built a fire.

*I've never run away from home, even though I contemplated it once. I was young...lol.

*I've never been to middle school.

*I've never broken a bone, but I haven't had milk since I was about six or seven. Milk makes me gag!

*I've never had the chickenpox.

*I've never not had fun at a rodeo.

*I've never had red bull.

*I've never owned an instrument, but I play a lot.

*I've never owned a yearbook.

*I've never smoked.

*I've never stapled my finger, but I did staple my brother's.

*I've never seen Star Trek.

*I've never celebrated St.Patrick's Day.

*I've never written a check in my checkbook. Ever.

*I've never watched Dane Cook without being completely entertained.

*I've never taken Transformers seriously. Don't think I ever will. Sorry, Shia Labeouf.

*I've never understood why men thought Shania Twain was hot.

*I've never cheated.

*I've never stalked anyone. Except for that one time in 1st grade.

*I've never finished a whole piece of corn on the cob.

*I've never owned a pair of espadrilles.

*I've never had a Wendy's Frosty. I think I've had a chocolate chip cookie dough milkshake from there, but never a frosty.

*I've never done anything I didn't want to do, unless it was forced upon me :)


Ta-daaaa! There you go. Like a billion things I've never done. Now you know me a little better...or, I guess, the opposite of me!

Have a wonderful day!

XOXO
Jourdan