Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Experiential Love

I wrote this poem after a particularly influential worship night on the Pinnacle mountain.
Who knows if the words are even mine... :)

I want you to experience what I experienced. So read it not just with your eyes, but with your spirit too. That's what it was made for. Enjoy.

Whoever wants it,
Take a blade of grass
From the tufts and rolling hills
Of your pasture, overgrown.

I’m feeling who you are
I’m breathing the very essence of you
Your love, astounding.
My heart is not ready for such a beautiful flame.
I can’t contain it, I’m not ready
The small piece of You floats into my nostrils
And the slightest upward glance
Delivers me into your surrounding embrace.

My body is a flame.

Even my mind has been obliterated
and now I can’t do anything but focus on Your presence in this room.
So thick I can barely see my own two feet
All around me, a host of freedom fighters
Urging me into it…come into the water.

I’d take a step in but my feet are glued down
Each breath, like cement seeping into my lungs.
I’m falling, I’m falling into your atmosphere
Upward, downward I really don’t care
It’s the “inward” that matters
When the outward tends to fail.

But fall into you I go
And I step into a piece of forgotten wonderland…

The troops are rejoicing
My feet pick up speed, and I’m flying now
Each particle of air seems to hit my face with a piercing sort of force
Everything is magnified.
Everything magnifies.
Did I tell You how much I love this?
I go from space to space but I never fall into this place.
Oh but I wish you would.
I would I could.

I’m floating now, silenced in your stillness.
Then He comes……

He comes.
He is here.
My heartbeat quickens, my back is against the wall
Everything moves faster and faster,
My head can’t keep up.
I love you, I want you, I want you not!
I want you now, but I can’t have you here.
I can’t feel any part of me anymore
I’m just a disconnected blob of energy, waiting to explode

But then explode, I do.

Everything outside me wants to come inside
And I’m not sure I’ve made room for You.
I’m so full of You
And I’m so thirsty for You still…

You take me into your heart
Your huge, boundless heart.
It’s an untold mystery
Where everything fits, and nothing melts away
You see each one
With a fire in your eyes.
Fierce love that burns every past sin away.

Your eyes are like deep crystal clear water pools
That never run out
Of Your love, so abounds.

I’m thinking about you,
I’m smelling you,
I’m tasting the sweet parts of you.
You’re a banquet of perfect love,
One that casts out all fear before You.

I’m getting so full
I don’t know if I’ll stay here
I’d love to, I can’t.
So delightful, so terrifying…

Farewell perfect, experiential love.

You’ve once again transformed me in every way,
Touched the deepest, darkest, prickly parts of me
Formed a beautiful, fragrant, bed of flowers for me.
And watched me with awe of what You have created.
How you could look at me with those eyes of fire,
I’m not really sure.
But I’m glad that You did.

And You’ll do it again…

And again.
And again.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Message To My Soul...

I’m not going to tell you to stop feeling, stop wanting
But I can’t just let it get out of hand…

You’re pulling me down, you’re casting me out.
Like a worm to the raging sea,
You release me to the winds, you fisher of men.
I can’t keep my head above water.

And you’re not helping me.

You’re a problem getter, a problem solver
Never know who to keep close and who to keep away.

To tell the truth, it’s been hard enough just to find the balance
It’s too delicate to touch
So I can’t do anything at all.
I’m a helpless wilting flower
Reaching for a promise.
Full of needs unmet.

But I’m not gone yet, oh I’m not gone just yet…

So I’m writing to you now,
For some grasp on peace or a life fully lived
But I know it’s a cause that’s somewhat worthless
Because you’re you and I’m me
A cold and hardened wall.

One I’m tearing down,
But it’ll take me a while still.
So don’t take me down with you…
Don’t frame my trust.
Or shout out all my secrets
On the way down, crumbly ancient wall.

Don’t waste the beautiful to eliminate the ugly.
Just let yourself breathe and God’ll know what to do.
Settle all your quelling waves
And receive His peace on your swelling, smoldering towns.

If you were a village and I were the earth,
You’d be an uprising in a kingdom
That never gave you position in it’s fully balanced universe.

So stop pushing, stop pulling..
Just give me time.

Give me rest.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Streams School of Ministry BLOG!

Hey everyone!

I just wanted to let everyone know that I have started a brand new Streams School of Ministry Blog for anyone who is interested in what's going on at Streams New Hampshire! The posts will be from fellow interns, intern leaders, or even me :) There may be pictures, testimonies from outreaches, personal experiences, etc. I am the creator/overseer of this blog, but I won't be the only one posting on it...Let me tell you, you are in for a real treat. These are some of my favorite people in the whole world! (And the people I see on a daily basis lol)

I am really excited about this blog, so help me out in advertising it! If you know of anyone interested in Streams School of Ministry, feel free to direct them to the website: or the blog:

Big thanks to everyone!!!


Friday, September 18, 2009

Hello, Goodbye - Good News & Bad News

Okay, there have been about a million and a half amazing things that have happened to me since I've been here in New Hampshire, and I can't even begin to explain them all in a measly blog post. There's just absolutely no way. So I'm resorting to pictures instead. If you haven't noticed, I get to be outside a lot and I love taking pictures of God's creation. I definitely put my iPhone to good use!

Last week we hiked Mt. Kearsarge, about a 1.2 mile hike with GORGEOUS views at the top. It was a ridiculously hard hike to make, especially after being mostly sedentary in the comfort of my home AC for the past 5 months of living in Arizona. It was super steep, but definitely worth it.

Here are the pictures I took!!

A little New London charm...there were three for women, one for men, and one for politicians. However, one door hid a delightful surprise! Oh man, small towns crack me up.

the sign reads: "in new hampshire, you never catch a politician with his pants down..." HAHA!

That's the good news...aight, now for the bad news...I have to tell you, I feel compelled to take a bit of a break from my blogging. I am in this new season and I have a lot more on my plate than I used to, and I really want to devote this time to God.


I will be back, I promise. But as of right now I am taking a break. So, thank you for reading, and I will be posting again eventually...just not now :)

Ta ta for now!!!


Sunday, September 13, 2009

I Went A'Walking

Today I made the epicest decision to go on the epicest walk ever. So I did! I turned out of the drive and made a left and just kept on walking for hours and hours. I took my lovely iPhone (that I love so much) with me and took some great photos of some great locations. I ended up finding a hidden little lake around some trails I headed was such a delightful surprise! It really reminded me of the lake we used to camp on like 8 times every year. My family reading this will understand... :) Twin Lakes. Without mistake, the most legit redneck "resort" of all time.

I have hundreds more pictures from this one walk, but I pared it down for ya. Pretty sure if I put up all the ones I liked, you'd be scrolling down my blog page for about 45 minutes before finding the 'comment' link. Consider yourselves lucky...

Friday, September 11, 2009

Welcome To Streams!

Today is my second day as an intern. It is awesome so far! I went on a walk down the road from the intern house and the sights were absolutely beautiful! Someone I know once said it looked like a mixture of Ireland and the Pride and Prejudice field...I could not agree more. Here are some of the pics I took with my phone:

And, my personal favorite:

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

My Last Day in Arizona

I woke up this morning with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and a hazy cloud fuzzifying my thought process...Today is the last day I will get to spend with my family before moving to New Hampshire to be an intern at Streams Ministries.

HowEVER! It is also my last day to get all my packing done in preparation for this year long adventure! Mind you, I had absolutely no motivation to do anything having to do with packing...It is my very last day in this house, with this family, and I still have a bunch of packing to do before I get on that plane tomorrow morning!

So when I woke up at 9:00 (earrrrly for me) specifically to finish all the projects I had started over this past week and realized I had such strong feelings against all things packing, it caught me off guard! I have less than 17 hours to pack up my room, make sure that all of my clothes and such fit into my two suitcases that I'm allowed to take with me for a year, and hang out with my family for the last time, and I am what??? Too tired?? Unmotivated? Really??

I suppose the reality of how much time I truly have left didn't quite override the not so reality of "oh i have plenty of time to finish that stuff...sleep is more important!"

Who am I to be so selfish in these last precious hours of my time here with my family?

So after staggering out to the kitchen to make some Mac'n'Cheese for breakfast (I know...I am super unhealthy...what else is new?) I made the command decision to be sedentary no longer. Now I have eaten breakfast and I'm totally ready to start my jam-packed day. Haha, quite literally!

Now all I have to do is pack up the remains of my bedroom and bathroom, clean out my car that I won't be driving anymore, weigh my suitcases to make sure Delta won't be charging me $125 dollars a piece for each suitcase over 50 lbs, do a load of laundry, and find my winter hat. Among other things :)

Oh yes, and the family is all going out to dinner tonight no doubt in a last-ditch attempt to keep me home just a little while longer. They've only come up with about 170 reasons for me to stay...God, I'm gonna miss them.

Hopefully that hazy cloud around my head will get burned off by all the sunshine, because I have all to much to get done to deal with a head-cloud simultaneously.

Feel free to pray for me while I set off on this new God-filled adventure! I'm scared out of my mind, but I know that I know that I know that this is God. I know I'm supposed to be there, and that peace in my heart is the only thing keeping me from staying here.

Heavenly blessings,


Sunday, September 06, 2009

Best Daddy

The best daddies are the ones that take you for walks

Down the street with a smile on your face
With an ice cream in your hand

And a sprinkle on your chin...

Today me and the daddy went on a date.
We drove all the way to Scottsdale (a 1hr drive) to go to the swanky mall and pretend we were swanky too :) We listened to The Kooks and rocked out in the Volvo, we drove through the Phoenician (which was so ridiculously exclusive, it was almost comical), walked around the mall and looked at Jimmy Choos, ate some delish food at The Yard House, then drove all the way home with some 'She Moves in Her Own Way'...fabulous day.

Only my dad can make a girl feel truly special, I'm sure of it.
Even if we didn't buy anything nice or expensive, and even though we weren't technically checking in at that fancy hotel, and even though we parked in free parking instead of letting the valet drive our car around, it was one of the best days ever.

The Yard House was uhh-mazing. I had mac'n'cheese that was to DIE for. It had apple bacon, wild mushrooms, chicken, and some funky shaped noodles. Oh. My god. Yeah, let's just say the leftovers are now in the fridge with my name and 'please do not eat' sharpied in big bold letters across the top. Simply scrumptulescent.

And to top it all off, I found an awesome charcoal grey sweater (that is soo soft) at Urban Outfitters to take with me to New Hampshire. Now I'll be uber cozy in my new home.


*me and pops*

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Autumn Air & Spiced Cider Cups

(me and my sis)

It's a season of magic...a time of wishes and dreams...

Autumn wishes begin around September, when the air gets all crispy and so do the leaves...when you start hoping for that blissfully chilly air to invade your summery solace. That tingle-nose feeling when you breathe too much in - an overdose of oxygen. When you start to crave a mug of hot spiced cider...that's when the Autumn wishes start.

I wish I could feel those crunchy leaves under my toes, bare footed and all.

No shoes in the tangy air, just the colorful ground and my rolled up jeans.

I love not knowing if that squishy cold thing was a slug or just a water droplet...oh well. I'll find out later. I love wearing warm snuggly clothes and leaving the warm snuggly house to indulge in a greater kind of creation - His. Just to venture out into the unknown,

a field somewhere you didn't know existed, or a quaint little run-down cottage full of forgotten memories. You can find all sorts of little gems if you just take a walk and look. What's even more fun is when you take a walk and look with your spiritual eyes. You should try it sometime...A spirit focus vs. a soul focus. Watching out for the cool stuff God's doing in your everyday life.

I think everything is more beautiful in the fall...

Hills and plains,
Houses and chimneys,
Overgrown paths and tree lined roads,
Whimsical girls and conquering men...

Everything looks rosy through rose colored glasses, and everything looks magical in the most magical season of all.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Memories - Cali Fun Times

Well, Cali was awesome.

We went to the beach at least once every day - it was brilliant.

I got to help the sis put together her brand new dorm room and hang out with her till all hours of the night too, which was awesome as well :) Because she's going to be an RA this year she won't have to share her room with anyone else...besides me...when I come to visit...which I most likely will.

I got a wicked sunburn that made me look like a redneck - literally.

I think it's funny that I live in a state that stays at 120 degrees all summer long and I have to go to 70 degree California weather to get a sunburn.

I didn't know I had the stamina to drive 5 or 6 hours straight...good to know.

I found out that The Kooks, The Strokes, and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are the BEST artists you could ever bring with you on a long-a$$ road trip.

We (the siblings) realized that turtles are the best pets ever. There were a few at the house we stayed at. We named them Geoffrey and Leonard.

I laughed a lot on this trip.

The end.

Now, I realize you will have no idea what I'm talking about, but I just have to write down these memories...shout out to the sibs!!!

**Unforgettable Memories**
*mama had a baby and her head popped off!!
*noah sleeps with his eyes half open
*the matrix for windmills..(ominously).....they're grown.....
*boogie boarding on the nude beach (it wasn't really nude, but the random kids were...)
*Taco Hell
*we're all techies
*the creepy italian guys learning to surf for the first time
*getting so frickin pissed at zack that you can't help but laugh so hard you pee your pants because right after he ticks you off he says something so hilarious, you can't help but forget what you were mad about in the first place. mm. good times.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Goodbye's Are The Hardest Part

Here! Have a few pictures!

These are just a few of the many pics I took with my iPhone...some are from my sister's camera that I stole and put on my computer, but for the most part the bad quality ones are from my phone :)

This has been such a fun trip, and I'll be sure to let you all in on the great stories we've had once I get back...But right now I'm packing up for another long ride home in a suburban full of silly siblings. Minus one.


me and zach...he's the older of the two boys (which are both younger than me) haha, make sense???

not like you can even really see noah, but this is me and him! the younger of the two boys which are both younger than me :)

all four of us playing in the water and watching the beautiful sun go down on the ocean..

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Au Revoir!!

Today we are taking my bff sister Jess back to her hometown, San Luis Obispo, CA. School starts very soon and she is off to be a big bad RA!!!! I am so proud of her :) So we are all driving that grueling 10 hour trip back to cali with all her college stuff packed in the car...this should be exciting. It feels like I've made this trip a million times already, but it's worth it!

See you soon, sweet blogosphere!

(me and her with red lipstick...i feel awkward lol)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Humorous Truth

A few of my bloggy friends were doing this little survey, so as the dedicated blogger that I am, I decided to jump on the bandwagon! These are just funny little tidbits about me and my values...hopefully your opinion of me doesn't change too much after reading this :)

1. What time did you get up this morning?
6:30 am...Last day of work though!! :)

2. How do you like your steak? Well done. I don't want to see what it looked like when it was still alive, so please...kill it. Kill it good. I would greatly appreciate it if the cow that I'm eating didn't just walk right off of my plate and back into the pasture that it came from.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Post Grad yesterday with my sister (who is in town for a bit) with Alexis Bledel and the beeeeautiful Zach Gilford. It was cute. Wait, he was cute. Wait, the whole movie was cute!!

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Umm, hellooooo! Gilmore Girls! In case you haven't noticed, the women in my family are all pretty much honorary members of the Gilmore family...oh yeah, that and the fact that random strangers on the street will come up to me and tell me I look uncannilly (is that a word?) like Rory Gilmore.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Ireland, hands down. I've never been, but always wanted to. It is so beautiful there (I've heard) and I wanted to do a study abroad program in Cork for a while, but it didn't really work out. Now I'm going to New Hampshire!!!

6. What did you have for breakfast? Half of an un-fizzy dr. pepper. Yeah. I'm classy like that.

7. What is your favorite cuisine? It's a verrry close tie between Italian and Mexican. But I'm gonna have to go with my heritage here and say Italian.

8. What foods do you dislike? Anchovies, clams, oysters, dirt, cd's, drywall, candle wax, know.

9. Favorite Place to Eat? An understated, character-filled restaurant with food that tastes like the cook actually cares about what they put on the table. Mmm, those are the good ones.

10. Favorite dressing? The kind that makes an 80 calorie salad into a 350 calorie salad. What can I say, calories taste good!

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? A green Toyota Camry...I call him 'Camo'. Let's just say we had a run in with a lightpost that left him dented and camo-taped for a few years. The name just stuck.

12. What are your favorite clothes? Layered winter clothing is de best!! I hate summer clothes because they seem just so...unimaginative, you know??

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Ireland.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Half full! But who's measuring??

15. Where would you want to retire?
In the mountains somewhere...a peaceful log cabiney cottage with lots and lots of fireplaces, decks, and lookout spots. And maybe a body of water somewhere nearby with fishes in it. And a great kitchen to house all sorts of lovely old people parties.

16. Favorite time of day? I don't have a specific favorite time of day. I do have a favorite time of year though, Christmastime.

17. Where were you born? Upstate New York.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? IIIIIII hate watching sports so much, I'd rather go iceskating in bare feet for 3 hours.

19. Bird watcher? Never tried!

20. Are you a morning person or a night person? Sometimes I'm both.

21. Do you have any pets? Not me specifically, but my family has two Maltese dogs. One puppy, one 2 year old. Gabe and Gunner.

22. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I'm frickin tired today??

23. What did you want to be when you were little? An astronaut because every other little girl I knew wanted to be a ballerina and I just had to be different from everybody else :) Well look where that got me? Now I'm a ballet teacher. Karma.

24. What is your best childhood memory? Eating noodles on the kitchen floor with my sister.

25. Are you a cat or dog person? Dog person all the way. But I don't really like animals in general lol

26. Are you married? ha. no.

27. Always wear your seat belt? Of course!

28. Been in a car accident? I don't think so.

29. Any pet peeves? Show off's, I'd say.

30. Favorite Pizza Topping? Hawaiian.

31. Favorite Flower? I like every flower God created!

32. Favorite ice cream? I like vanilla with Hersheys hot fudge and sprinkles on top!

33. Favorite fast food restaurant? DQ Grill and Chill :) It's got the sweet and the salty!!!

34. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Only once, people, only once.

35. From whom did you get your last email? Bank of America...

36. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Buckle.

37. Do anything spontaneous lately? How about my whole life??? Can I just put that?

38. Like your job? You mean the job I don't have?? Haha, today was my last day of work before moving to New Hampshire...

39. Broccoli? Yeah, for sure!

40. What was your favorite vacation? Oregon coast with the whole family. Ughhhh I yearn to go back!

41. Last person you went out to dinner with? The fam!

42. What are you listening to right now? Kim Walker

43. What is your favorite color? Purple.

44. How many tattoos do you have? None, but I imagine I'm soon to have a few!

45. Coffee Drinker? Only with my oxygen!

What time did you finish this quiz? 1:58 pm

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Nyquil - The Bane of My Existence

Funny story time!

So haha joke's on me...I never woke up this morning.

Well, that's not entirely true. I did wake up. Just not at the reasonable hour I wanted to. See, work opens at 7:30 am and, well, I didn't wake up until 7:38. Sound like a familiar story?? Well it is. It conveniently decided to repeat itself a few months ago - the first day of my job. Lucky me.

So here I am, lying in bed at 7:38 am wondering HOW in the WORLD did I miss my alarm?? I mean, I know I set it for 6:30, I just know it!

But alas. There it lay. The secret answer to all my little problems. The Nyquil bottle...sitting right next to the alarm I was supposed to awaken to.

Yes, I had a cold last night, and yes, I took a healthy dose of that stuff at like 11:45 pm.

No, I did not know that when you take Nyquil past a certain point in the evening, you risk not waking up ever again. And no, I did not know that even if you only take a half dose, at 110 pounds it doesn't really matter HOW much you take of that stuff, it will knock you out.

Nyquil. Truly the bane of my existence. You love it, you hate it. It helps you sleep, but it also helps you to never awaken again...especially when you're supposed to awaken for a very important meeting...or a coffee date. Yeah, not so wonderful there.

So at 7:38 am when my mother came traipsing down the stairs with 'i've been awake for hours makeup and hair' asking me if I did indeed have to work today, and if I did indeed sleep right through my keith urban alarm, I was in bed wishing I could be her for once (no offense mom, teehee!)

But all told it was a lovely kind of day.

Not sure if I told you all this yet, but my grandparents have been in town the last few days - they're from New Jersey. I haven't seen them in 10 years!! We ate, we laughed, we cried, we ate, we watched movies, we went on walks, we ate, and we laughed some more. A true Italian vacation.

Sadly they are leaving on a plane tomorrow morning at the butt crack of dawn, and I will miss them terribly. It was so nice to have so much life in our house. It felt like overflowing.

Two more days left at the health club until I am finally a full-time student again. No more working for me! Well, not the paid kind anyway :) And then I'm off to New Hampshire for a new kind of lovely adventure...the kind you never forget.

"For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning."
-Psalm 30:5